In every workplace, there’s always one person that everyone hates.
At my office, that guy is intolerable. He’s smart, but makes sure everyone knows it. He thinks his time is the most precious, so he’ll throw projects on my desk at 4:55 PM on a Friday. (Hopefully this won’t happen today.) Unfortunately, he also has job security because he’s my boss’s bitch.
Whenever that guy is on vacation, everyone rejoices. The halls seem a bit brighter. There isn’t a cloud of doom hanging over his office. No one dreads a last minute email insisting a project has to be done immediately because it’s of the utmost importance.
In Harry Potter, there are creatures called dementors. These creatures feed on others’ happiness, thus causing people to plummet into depression or worse, despair. This is why that guy is nicknamed Dementor.
Mike, Dusty, and I have dealt with Dementor the most. Dusty is a self-proclaimed Alabama redneck. He’s unapologetically politically incorrect, but we get along because he’s got a no bullshit policy. The three of us always brainstorm (and sometimes execute) pranks to play on Dementor.
“Well, what I could do is gather some of them mushrooms from the woods –”
“Dusty, we can’t poison Dementor.”
“Damn it, Mike. Ruinin’ my fun.”
“We could put eyedrops or white-out in his coffee.”
“That shit don’t work, Sam. He won’t get diarrhea — his coffee’ll just look weird.”
“I saw that YouTube video of the guy gettin’ tazed who was all, ‘Don’t taze me, bro!’ That would be pretty funny!”
“Great idea, Mike! Let’s do it at the next staff meeting!” Dusty paused. “But you and I can’t do it. The boss man ain’t gonna believe that it malfunctioned if we were usin’ it.”
“That’s true, Dusty.” Mike turned to me, “Sam, I’ll buy you a pink tazer if you do the honors.”
“Guys, I’ve never used a tazer before.”
“Exactly why this is a brilliant plan.”
“We’re totally gonna get fired!” I shook my head. “Wait — there’s that dead roach in the kitchen…”
“Say no more. I’m on it. When he goes to lunch, we’re goin’ in!”
Dementor’s strangled scream of disgust was worth having to plant the dead roach in his desk drawer.